What Men Fear About Sex
There are literally thousands of articles on what women fear but very few on what men fear when it comes to sex. This is most likely because most men won’t come right out and say what worries or scares them.
It took me awhile to get it out of them, even my closest friends didn’t want to talk about it. When they finally did it was pretty clear it’s not all “locker room” talk inside their heads.
It seems men worry just as much as women, and even more so in some areas.
Sex – the amount they get and how they perform is closely tied to their overall image of themselves.
Only recently have there been targeted studies that show men are starting to talk about what scares them..
Some of the results may surprise you! They did me.
Is My Penis Big Enough?
In an open survey men ranked penis size as the third most important aspect of their sex lives. In a follow up anonymous survey they ranked it number one!
Society has done one hell of a disservice to men and the importance of the size of their penis. Porn, gauging size to equal sexual success and men’s demasculinization of each other through bullying and jokes about penis size, keeps all eyes focused on a man’s crotch to determine his worth and manliness.
This is a common belief among far too many men.
I didn’t know the impact penis size had on a man or just how devastating it can be even when it’s merely joked about. The shame some had in talking about it made me realize men are just as insecure about this aspect of their beautiful bodies as women are about aspects of theirs.
Among the men who would tell me their size not one of them had a penis I would consider small. In fact most were above average. When I asked the size they think women want, I was tempted to say the only place I’d put something that big was in my purse to keep as a weapon!
Here’s some math to put size into perspective:
The average size penis is 6.2 inches. The average size vagina is 4. Now you tell me… how does that compare? Think about it. You can only fit tab A into slot B so far!
Surveys show that 85% of women are satisfied with their lover’s penis size. That means only 15% are not. If that doesn’t help the men breathe a sigh of relief; how about this? I have had more women tell me that men with larger penises think their size alone is enough for them to be a good lover. Definitely not, claim the women. It’s kind of sad that some who have a big bat don’t even know how to swing one.
Guys if falling short of some lofty idea of penis size truly worries you then talk to your partner. Really talk. In the event there is a problem then try not to freak out; there are many ways to make you fatter. The old adage “girth is what it’s worth” is true. Many things like cockrings, penis sleeves, pills and pumps can help.
However, being a great lover really lies between a man’s ears and not his legs. Truly mind blowing sex is a whole body act.
Which leads to the next fear..
Can I Satisfy My Partner?
I’ve worked in the sex industry long enough to know this is a huge concern. My male friends and even acquaintances, who find out what I do for a living, have asked me more times than I can count how to tell if a woman has had an orgasm. Truth is you can’t always tell. If the vaginal muscles aren’t tight you may not feel contractions from a clitoral orgasm or see a squirt from a g-spot one if she’s not hydrated. Some women don’t show many physical signs of orgasm outside of the moaning.
I know men want to be sex gods and rock a woman’s world; enough have asked me how to do that. How about just asking your partner what drives them wild instead of wondering if you did or not or worrying you won’t? Ladies if they ask you then suck up your own insecurities and tell them or show them. And for god sake don’t fake it! That just leads to more insecurity on both sides. Guys already worry that your last partner was bigger, that he won’t be able to make you come or last long enough. That pressure is insane and most feel it far too often.
Here’s a tip: there’s a lot to be said for a guy who owns his own vibrator or bullets or other toys they know how to use. You want nearly fail safe orgasm? Get a Body Wand. Toys don’t make men inadequate. It makes them smart because many women can’t achieve a clitoral orgasm without a little technology. Having vibrators that can be boiled like Tantus, or ones able to be covered with a condom will go a long way towards that “OMG” moment we all love! Ladies don’t overlook carrying one of your own and using it. Very few men object to a woman using a toy. In fact most love it! This takes the pressure off both of you.
What if I Can’t Get It Up or Keep It Up?
Men have my sympathy here. If you’re not sexually aroused it’s pretty damn obvious by the absent bulge in your pants. Women have it easy…a little lube and we’re all set physically. Not being able to get it up is a show stopper for most men. If it happens rarely, chalk it up to stress because that’s usually the reason. Come to Déjà vu Love Boutique and they’ll help you with a little extra back up so you’re prepared if it happens again.
If it’s becoming frequent then it’s time to visit the doctor. Don’t be shy, nearly 20 million men have erection issues and there are great treatments for it.
Don’t flip out if it does happen. Nearly all men will have trouble at some point in their lives. Offer to cuddle, get a good nights sleep and try again tomorrow. It really isn’t that big of a deal to women.
How Do I Ask About Safe Sex?
I am going to jump on the grenade on this one. It has to be talked about if you’re not monogamous but women make it hard. If a man asks too early women get their panties in a bunch that a man assumes sex is a given. If men wait then women become worried they are about to have sex with an uncaring jerk who rides bareback and could have a STI. This is what I tell my girlfriends: when you make up your mind you’re going to have sex, turn the heat down for a minute and talk about safe sex. Yeah it’s a mood killer sometimes but it’s better to have “the talk” then do something stupid in the heat of the moment. If a woman doesn’t bring it up then it still falls to the guy. Ladies give them a break, if they bring it up it doesn’t mean anything more than they desire you but want to be safe. That is an admirable quality!
Last but not least – the one that came as the biggest surprise.
What If It Means More To Her Than Me?
Casual sex is becoming more common place and that’s actually a good thing. People are exploring their sexuality, being safer and in some ways it’s making us all closer because we’re talking openly about it.
But here’s the cold hard truth: sex does not mean the same thing to a man as it does to a woman. That’s not a bad thing, they are just wired differently. Men have sex with us because…well…we let them. They can have sex with no, little or a great deal of emotion while women nearly always attach some emotion to sex. We need to understand this about each other. We need to be upfront about what we’re looking for before we have sex.
Just remember – sex is not a relationship. It’s sex!
Even for committed couples it’s important to keep a clear view of what sex means to the other person. It keeps relationship strong and open and helps both be satisfied which are all good things.
It’s okay to have sex for the sake of sex! It feels good and it’s good for us. It can also be a one stepping stone to becoming intimate and open with each other and with that we can hopefully quiet some of the fears.
Wishing you enjoyable pressure free sex
Tessa Ayden