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Talking dirty has always been an art form (and I call it an artform because most people don’t think they’re talented enough to do it). Women get caught up in the movie version and wish their lovers would do it. Men get caught up in the porn version where the heavy breathing, moaning, panting, and yelling come into play. It’s actually pretty easy to have both. People forget while men are predominantly visually stimulated (that’s why they like porn, playboy, and pictures), that women are all about sound.

This is where I’m going to make it very easy for you. Guys: you don’t have to say anything yet, but lean back, get comfy and start thinking about what you’d like to do to your partner. That comes pretty easy to most of the fellas, but getting that vision from your brain down out your mouth is often where the difficulty lies. Men tend to worry that they aren’t bodice ripping romance writers, and that they’ll come off as graphic and dirty if they speak exactly what’s on their mind. This can be a problem if their partner isn’t open to it.

So now, I want you to think about what you’ve done with your partner that really got both your hearts hammering. Maybe it was a welcome, forceful, and passionate kiss or maybe it was her climbing on top and taking the reigns.

This is your starting point. Here, we’re going to use the example of her climbing on top. But you can use whatever you floats your boat. With all the effort you’ve used thinking about what you’d like to do to her (yes guys, I’m asking you to engage your porn brain) think about how her climbing on you made you feel and then put that into a very simple sentence.

If it were me, I would just add a little bit of flowery language to your fantasy. So, if your brain said “She jumped on me and rode me like a wild stallion and I loved every minute of it”, then try saying to yourself: “Honey, you made me feel like a prized stallion when you got on top of me. You were so beautiful and I loved every minute of it.”

This isn’t going to feel natural for a lot of men, and that’s not a judgement. It’s not easy with texting, email, brief phone calls, voicemail, etc to talk that way, but it is worth it!

Now, I want you to practice your sentence. Practice in the car, practice in the shower, practice until you feel comfortable saying it. Once you’re comfortable, go to your partner, look them in the eye (if that’s too hard right now, a warm wet whisper in the ear works just as well). Say that sentence as passionately and heartfelt as you can. This may seem like a silly exercise, but honestly, how are you going to feel if that sentence comes out of your mouth and the response is that little breathless sigh and moan that we all love.

This is just a jumping off point to help you learn how to talk dirty, wild, and passionately to your partner. I can tell you tales of a wonderful weekend I had, but the thing that got stuck in my head the longest was what he said. Words are very powerful. Saying them with passion makes them more than just words.

If you still have trouble doing this, it’s ok. It’s vulnerable, it leaves us open to rejection and that’s hard for everybody.

I can give you one more safe suggestion that might help. If both of you are willing, make an agreement that you’re going to go into Deja Vu Love Boutique, your closest adult store, or if you don’t have anything nearby, peruse the goodies available Deja Vu’s online store. Agree to hold hands, giggle, maybe drink a glass of wine, and pick out a product to tell your partner how you’d like to tease, titillate, and tantalize them with it.

Maybe you’ll end up buying something, and maybe you won’t. I guarantee, it’ll get you both in a position where you’re closer, more comfortable, and make it easier to share because here’s the secret of talking dirty.

You ready? You listening?

It starts with talking.

Wishing you warm wonderful words that make your (and her) heart pound,

Tessa Ayden

Over the last year I have run into one thing I didn’t discuss: The why?

That may seem like a rather odd viewpoint to even be concerned about but let me show it to you in a different light.

A difficulty some men seem to have is one simple thing ther than a hand job or a blow job they aren’t used to being the receivers in bed. If you think about it, for the most part and for many couples the man runs the show once the clothes come off. I’m not saying women just lie there, but in a lot of cases we are primarily the receivers.

This is fine if it works for you, but it does bring up one more reason why men have difficulty with anal play. Forget the “this makes me gay” nonsense they have to get by in their own heads. (Yes it IS nonsense! No one is gay or becomes gay from anal play/sex any more than me liking chocolate makes me Swiss)

Once that idea is sufficiently resolved out another may crop up: being able to relax enough to be the receiver.

This is difficult for some men. They are used to be the one “putting the moves” on their partner. Often they are the ones who initiate the flow of intimacy from kissing to petting to sex. It is not always easy to stop playing a role you are accustomed to and letting someone else “drive the love bug”.

This can be a big thing but it doesn’t have to be. To some men just receiving feels as if they are giving up control. For other the decrease in the amount of stimulation from just “lying back and relaxing” can be boring. You would think this would be a good thing, being showered with fun sexy attention, but when it is outside the steps a person usually takes to become aroused and to orgasm it can be a bigger deal than you planned on.

So let’s break this down a little and see if we can’t find better ways to give (for the ladies) and to receive (for the guys).

Anal play has it’s own specific needs: relaxing, lube, and all the prep (both mind and body).

First we’re going to look at the prep. The physical part is easy! Just a little rinsing out with fingers or a bulb can get you all squeaky clean. The mind part is a little trickier.

Once you get to the “Anal play doesn’t mean anything more than I like my butt played with” mind frame, the fellas still have to deal with the “I don’t feel like I am in control” and the “I can’t lie still and do nothing because I’M the guy” rational.

I’m going to make this uber simple. Guys: do you like it when you’re showering your partner with attention and they are going nuts? Roaming all over with your hands and mouth and your partner is moaning, purring, arching their back and getting wet and warm? You do don’t you? It makes you feel good knowing what you are doing is making someone else feel good.

Well, you know what else makes us feel good? Driving YOU nuts by doing things to you!!

Women are givers by nature. We have some innate characteristic that makes us want to care for others. However, somehow in the evolution of society we stopped doing that and became the receivers when it comes to sex. To me, that seems very one sided and not nearly as fun as taking turns or doing it together.

This oh so true of anal play!! If you really can’t get into it because just lying back feels too foreign (it will get easier) then have her give you access to her juicy parts while she stimulates you.

But the main focus is for the guys to not dismiss their pleasure to go back to giving but to provide a little extra stimulation for their hands and their mind.

Touching someone is just pleasure for both people. It also has nothing to do with control UNLESS you decide to play that way.

In all I have learned from my male friends who enjoy prostate and anal play/sex they all say it does get easier to be the one who receives. It’s okay for it to be bumpy as you figure out how to be comfortable with anal play. Talk to your partner. Let them know how you feel about it, where you’re running into your brain thinking too much, or not being comfortable being the one on your back (or front).

Ladies: your part will be resisting the temptation to go back to being the receiver. With partners who know how to push the right buttons it can be hard (What can I say – we do love being the center of affection).

Prostate and anal play can be very VERY enjoyable but it does take a bit of focus to hit just the right spot, as well as open communication. This is especially true at first when you are both learning just where and how to touch in order to drive him right out of his mind.

We want to guys! we want to drive you crazy the way you do us. The first step is being open to letting us touch you in wildly wonderful ways and then letting us.

Wishing you passionate, enjoyable times ahead….and behind

Tessa Ayden

If you would like more info on anal play then please check out my other blog articles.

http://www.dejavuloveboutiquevista.com/try-anal-play/

http://www.dejavuloveboutiquevista.com/b-o-b/

You can also join us at Deja Vu Love Boutique class on April 8th at 7pm for a class on Prostate health and anal play/sex for men.

I hope to help you and your partner understand:

What the prostate is and how it works

Exploring the prostate

Pleasure through anal play

Preparation and hygiene

Anal sex for men

Intimacy

…and of course the big question: “Does anal play make me gay if I like it?” (Spoiler! the answer is “No”)

There will be an opportunity for Q & A and open discussion. I would love to see anyone interested in prostate health and anal play come join us for what is sure to be a fun class.

To find out about other events follow us on Facebook!

Well ladies I have a brand new idea for you….Ready?

It’s not really a NEW idea per se, it’s more of an old idea that too often we don’t think about…

Here it is…

Stop waiting for someone to make a special day for you and do it for YOURSELF!

I can’t think of a better way to spoil, pamper or give yourself one hell of a self esteem boost than having some sexy photos taken!.

I am not talking about porn. I am not even talking about nude (unless you want to. I personally think every woman should do nudes at least once in her life).

I am talking about sipping champagne while someone does your hair and makeup. Then you get to relax and enjoy showing just how sexy you are!

Don’t you dare do the whole “Oh I can’t! I’m not sexy or attractive or..or..or!”

Nope, just shelve that!

I can say, with 1 million percent honesty – I have NEVER EVER met one woman I could not find something incredibly sexy and beautiful about.

I can also tell you that the photographer who took the picture on this blog, Kristine Wahner, feels the same way. You can check out her blog here.

In fact when I spoke to her she made a point of saying one of the reasons she loves doing “Boudoir Shots” is because she enjoys showing women how beautiful they are. This was the reason she began doing these types of photographs, and I agree that that is a very worthwhile endeavor.

It is a great way to see yourself other than just looking in the mirror. Let’s be honest; we look in the mirror and it’s “Oh I have a pimple.” or “Yep I look tired, old, like I’ve put on weight” and all the other self deprecating ways we talk to ourselves.

I can tell you from a lifetime of experience, you do not see yourself the way others see you. You don’t see your beauty, you sexiness or your allure the way you will when you look at a photograph of yourself. Especially sexy ones.

So here is my advice – Go have some sexy photos taken! If you book with Kristine you will get a discount at Deja Vu Love Boutique in Vista so you can pick out something sexy and soft to wear. Or perhaps just a pair of heels Kristine also has some beautiful props, jewelry and both indoor and outdoor private locations to use to shoot at. She will make you feel comfortable and relaxed and help you chose angles and light that will truly flatter you.

If you still can’t work up the courage convince you. Do it for a birthday, Father’s Day, an anniversary or just because it’s Tuesday. Just do it!

Do it for yourself!

I promise you, you will be happy you did whether you do sexy poses or nudes. You will get to see your body in a beautiful way.

The way the rest of us see it.

Wishing you a lifetime of seeing the beauty in yourself, the way I know you do in others.

Tessa Ayden

Both were founded as a “guy’s” Valentines day and I am all on board for a good reason to have a steak and shower my favorite guy with a little oral affection.

In discussing this with different people (the men are for making it a National holiday) I found that the women were a tad more resistant to an annual event. Not because many weren’t up for giving oral sex but because they felt they sucked at doing it (and not in the good way).

Many women say they don’t know how, are afraid to or don’t care when it comes to giving oral sex. The ones who don’t care, well honestly I can’t help you. If you don’t find pleasure in something there isn’t much that will change that except maybe time or a new partner. Just keep an open mind, give it a try occasionally, because what we enjoy can change as we move through life and one day you may find you really enjoy it.

For those that don’t know how or are afraid: that’s pretty on par with most women. Porn, exaggerating girl/guy friends and other misinformation always promote one goal – get the whole thing in your mouth.

Well guys, (especially bigger fellows) forget it. In nearly 74% of the female population, the gag reflex is alive and well. Now don’t get me wrong the visual of seeing someone take the whole thing is amazing for guys, but keep in mind that limits the stimulation. In order to keep your teeth away from the delicate skin you have to open your mouth pretty wide; leaving most of the penis untouched.

The visual aside, chance are this won’t lead to orgasm unless the woman is extremely talented with her tongue.

You can ask any guy; the right stimulation is what will bring him to orgasm. (Just like every other human on the planet) For most men this means good contact with shaft and head; something deep throating doesn’t provide.

I tell women. who are uncomfortable or unsure about giving oral sex, start with your hands and then add your mouth.

Two things to keep in mind 1) Get comfy. Don’t strain your back, neck or jaw. This way you can take your time and tease the ever living bejeebies out of your guy and 2) Give him a nice visual.

Remember guys are visually stimulated (why do you think they like porn?) as well as physically.

Next – lube! Lube does a few things that will help you work smarter, not harder. Lube gives your hands a nice slide on the shaft and head and will also make your mouth water. Both are huge pluses for you and add to his pleasure. You can use any lube (I prefer silicone because you only need a little bit, it doesn’t dry out and most of them taste pretty good). Use whatever one you like just remember that if you use flavored lube you may want to wash it off if you’re going to have intercourse as the glycerin in it can irritate the vagina.

Get your lube and do like the Vikings – stroke, stroke, STROKE!

I don’t mean hard but I do mean good contact! You can start with one hand and go up the shaft and over the head. More squeeze on the shaft then the head. Try different pressure, and twist your hand as it goes up. Make sure the lube is good because the twist without it doesn’t feel so nice on that delicate skin.

Next add in your other hand for some all over contact. Keep your hands moving and pay attention to what makes him moan or give a good reaction. When you figure out what it is (and by all means ask too) keep doing that but not consistently. Go back to it frequently as a nice tease.

I want you to think about this; if both your hands are on his penis then how much does that leave to get in your mouth? Not much no matter the size. This does two things: prevents him from pushing too far into your mouth (Sorry guys it’s a nasty habit you have when you get excited and many women don’t like it) and it also gives you the extremely sensitive tip to shower with affection while you keep stimulating the shaft.

Having both your hands on him lets you control how much of him you take in your mouth. You can take a little or all of it. The lube will make whatever you do much easier as it lets your lips slide over the skin effortlessly. This also lets you take your mouth off periodically but still keeps him excited because you can keep moving your hands.

Licking up the shaft, under the head and taking him in your mouth all give a great visual and well as a completely different sensation with your mouth.

For a little extra excitement you can take a finger vibe and put it on backwards (the bullet resting on the back of your hand). This will give your fingers a little vibration that can drive him nuts!

Speaking of nuts…if your man likes to have his testicles touched or cupped this is a wonderful place to touch with a finger vibe on your hand.

Guys this where you can help your partner out! Moan and don’t be shy about saying “That feels so good”. We want to know what feels good! For both sexes, knowing you are pleasing your partner is very very important!

The one thing many women, who enjoy giving oral sex, have told me is that they view it as making love to the penis. I like this because women are very “love” driven. I especially like it because men are very (forgive the term) “cock centric” and when you make love to the penis, you’re actually making love to the man. That’s a wonderful thing for both people.

Wishing you lips that lavishing you with love.

Tessa Ayden

On and off I’ve tried different products touted as “the best thing since slice bread” but very few live up to that claim. It seems to be that toy manufacturers overlook one very important fact when designing products for women: Not all vaginas are the same.

This is true for everything from rabbits to g-spot toys. Any toy that has some kind of dual stimulation is absolutely not a “one size fits all”.

This is why I always find I’m arching my eyebrow skeptically whenever someone stands in front of me and claims that an insertable toy will work for ALL women. That’s like saying one key will fit in all locks! Yeah the key may go in but it isn’t going to do much.

But you just never know and I’m usually on board for at least checking out a new product with an open mind. This is especially true when it comes to a company like Aneros. If you haven’t heard of Aneros (and you are a man or love one) then you should. Hands down they make one of the finest lines of prostate toys around. Prostate health is oh so important and in the next few weeks I am going to write about prostate health as well as talk about it in the Pegging for Beginners class at Deja Vu April 8th.

But I digress.
Back to the issue at hand -

The number one complaint I hear from women about Ben Wa Balls is that once they are in you can’t feel them. Often you may forget you have them in if life distracts you. I’ve actually had this happen to me and it was much the same as a case of “Where the hell are my sunglasses?” when they are on your head. Not being able to feel the balls is a major downside to Ben Wa Balls. It isn’t so bad if you get ones with a nice gyrating ball inside. Ones, like the Luna Ball from LELO, have excellent gyration and some women find that pleasurable as well as a nice reminder that you should be squeezing.

It is difficult for many women to get a lot of pleasure from Ben Wa Balls themselves BUT (yes here is the big but) the effects kegel exercises are unmistakable!

This is what led me to try the EVI by Aneros. It was designed for both pleasure AND exercise. Personally, even after trying a whole bunch of twisting, thrusting and rolling they recommended to derive pleasure from the EVI, I just didn’t. That’s okay because I know the real benefit of kegel exercising is usually more evident during an orgasm. For women that do kegels for conditions caused by weak muscles the first clue that the exercises are working is usually being able to sneeze or laugh without any accidents.

I will say this about the EVI – you absolutely can get one heck of an idea about your muscle strength! You can feel it the whole time, unlike regular Ben Wa Balls. Every time I squeezed the EVI moved and gave me excellent feedback about which muscle I was working. That’s the biggest and best benefit.

I have the first generation EVI, which is harder at the neck then the newer one they make. I think the new one may be even better. The rigid neck was uncomfortable and sitting down was interesting to say the least. (Keep in mind everyone is different so someone else may love these aspects)

Here’s another good feature of the EVI; it’s durable. I treat toys very much like the guys from Myth Busters. I will bend it it, twist it and put it through as many paces as possible because healthy vaginal muscles are strong! Anyone who has ever broken their Rabbit from squeezing knows what I mean. Toys need to stand up to punishment because the goal with the EVI is to make those muscles as powerful as possible. The design of this toy is simple enough and it’s material durable enough that it stood up well to everything I did to it.

I did a little more research on the EVI and found a whole group of women who put it in backwards (tab towards the tailbone instead of up against the clitoris). For many of these women that gave them g-spot stimulation better than wearing it the way it was intended. Several women said wearing it that way while stimulating the clitoris felt amazing.

Hmmm I guess more experimentation is in order….

One thing I will say though, if not feeling your Ben Wa Balls is keeping you from exercising than absolutely look into the EVI. You can feel it and it does keep you focused on exercising. Whether it rocks your world as a pleasure toy or not, the results of using it as an exercise tool are well worth it.

Wishing you great workouts that keep you healthy and sexy

Tessa Ayden

This is a common problem and nearly 30 million American men have some type of erectile dysfunction. This covers everything from not being able to sustain an erection to not being able to achieve one. I am going to say this as plainly as possible – Guys if this is a frequent occurrence please go see your doctor BEFORE you try to find a solution using any of the things I am about to suggest.
If the issues are infrequent and you can relate them to stress, overwork or non a medical issue then consider trying a few of the things I am going to suggest but please do your own research first as well.

Okay there is my CYA and it’s not just that. Frankly I care very much about the people who are interested in following my blog and I want you to have amazingly intimate, passionate and wild hot sex lives…but not the cost of putting yourself at unnecessary risk. So exercise caution before you jump into using some of these items and methods to sport a rock hard willy. First off, let’s talk about…

Pills

Pills for sexual enhancement, libido, increased ejaculation, stamina and the other claims companies make, are just that – claims! Everyone’s body chemicals are different. What works for one person will not work for another. This leads to trial and error to see what will work best for you and your body.

Most pills have what’s called “proprietary blends” as their main ingredients. This is just a very fancy way of saying “Hey we took herbs, minerals, vitamins and/or amino acids in some combination and mixed them together”. In some cases that is not all they have added. Some enhancement pills, that come from other countries, are worth a little investigation before you use them.

The top most used ingredients:

Each of these herbs, amino acids and vitamins interact with the body differently and all have been shown in some studies to aid in erectile, stamina, mood, circulation, anxiety (and various other sexual related issues) in some way. Whether they will work for you will depend on your specific body chemicals. What works great for your best friend, might have no effect on you at all. This is where experimentation comes in; you may have to try a few before you hit on one that really works for you.
The top ones recommended to me by the guys are:

XZen Gold/Platinum
Stiff Ones
Black Ants
Sex Voltz (only one that says on the package “Can be taken with moderate alcohol”)

One thing to note here is that every one of these pills, even though they are mostly classified as “natural” can and do sometimes have side effects. In addition to putting a some power in your Johnny Rocket with faster recover, more stamina, increased libido, and long lasting effects, they also can cause headache, stomach upset, diarrhea, flushing and other adverse side effects.

My best recommendation is to research each pill and then try one that you think may work for your needs. And looking at other people’s reviews can be helpful also.

Pumps

Penis pumps should only be used for erectile dysfunction. If you are using them to plump you up then you’re going to be disappointed. Yes they can make you appear “fuller” by drawing blood into the penis, but this won’t give you long lasting results. In a study in 2010 only 30% of the men who used a pump for 10 minutes twice a day for 12 weeks experienced a .05 centimeter increase in size.

The main effect of penis pumps is by putting the penis in a cylinder (that acts as a vacuum) blood is drawn into the penis with the pumping action. This does engorge the penis but it also puts pressure on the blood vessels in the penis. Too much pressure on the blood vessels can lead to vascular damage.

This is why you should use caution using penis pumps. If you do not have any kind of ED then try a good cock ring instead of chancing damage.
Oh and don’t use a pump as a maturbator; get a nice masturbator instead. Much safer

There are many many MANY pumps on the market. The ones I have researched are all hit and miss due to penis size (fitting issues), suction strength, and gauging the suction strength (if not equipped with a gauge). Overall most guys suggested a low cost one like Pipe Works by Pipedream to start (they have several). If you like the results and it works well for you then step up to Top Gauge by Cal Exotics which is a little pricier.

Whatever methods you use to help you with problems in the bedroom remember one thing: Give yourself a break! Everyone has periods of time where they have problems in the sack due to stress, illness, hormonal changes etc etc. It’s okay, honest! Talk about it instead of feeling like you need to hide it. Don’t be embarrassed, we all have troubles from time to time.

There are lots of places to get help and support. The very best place to start is with your partner!

Wishing you many stiff nights

Tessa Ayden

In most cases the problem is simply this: loss of erection or the inability to keep one. And for most men under 40, it’s not uncommon to have short periods when that is the case. Just like women, a man’s body can go through hormonal changes and whether you like it or not that can affect your John Thomas. Stress, a recent illness, weight gain and a myriad of other reasons have an influence on this.

For men over 40, well that’s when medical issues start to surface. That doesn’t mean it’s always stress causing erection problems for guys under the big 4-O nor does it mean that it’s always medical in nature for guys over that. That’s just statistics.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: if it happens frequently (and stress can easily be ruled out) then yes a trip to the doctor is in order! This is where I tell the guys to suck it up and go to the doctor. It’s far better to rule out a medical cause than to fight kicking and screaming about going in the hopes it will just go away. Just GO!

So what if it can be attributed to stress? The answer is simple: de-stress!
Hmmmm no actually the answer isn’t simple is it? All kinds of things we can’t walk away from can cause stress – work, financial issues, family problems and on and on. To make matters worse if your partner is stressed, it stresses you. It makes you both tired and that definitely rears its ugly head in the bedroom.

Vicious cycle isn’t it? Tired – stressed- more tired – more stressed…
I know everyone hates to be told this, but start here: Take a deep breath and RELAX.
I’m serious. A long slow breath in and then out. Do about a count of eight in and then a count of eight out. Sounds alot like the beginning of meditation doesn’t it? Well that’s because it is.

Meditation (or just simply slow controlled deep breathing) is great to combat stress, so is limiting coffee and alcohol. The next two big things to add in are exercise and orgasm.

It really doesn’t seem fair that one major way to deal with stress is orgasm and that be the area stress is affecting.

So let’s break it down to things that can “give you a hand” so to speak.

Male maturbators

If a man has had issues getting or keeping an erection then I can almost guarantee (even if it happened just once) he’s got a little performance anxiety going on now. This is HUGE for men! The compounded stress of that can be worse than the original stressor. Ladies here’s my advice: encourage him to masturbate.

By encourage I mean make it okay. Take away the anxiety of worrying about whether he can get hard or stay hard AND having to please you. I know this is difficult for some women. There is still this odd idea that men are only allotted so many erections in a lifetime and we must have all of them. That if they get hard watching porn or flipping through a magazine then it’s some form of cheating. I have one response to that; if you think that’s true then I invite you to put down your 50 Shades of Grey, or other romance novel, because it’s basically the same thing.

So yes encourage him! And I mean really encourage him, with no pressure. Buy him a male masturbator, buy him porn, buy him a magazine and lube. Then smile and say “Have fun baby” and go shopping or for coffee, or whatever. Just give him privacy.

One of the best stories I heard in this vein was a woman who gave her boyfriend a box filled with all kinds of self pleasuring things. This was an enormous step for a very religious woman. She gave it to him and attached a card that read “I don’t know what is going on but if I can’t love on you then I want you to love on you.” That simple act of love and understanding opened up a very emotional conversation for him.

Two weeks later she emailed me and asked if I could recommend some soft porn and a good cockring.

I will give you the same recommendations.

Soft Porn

A few companies I like are Sweet Sinner, Mark Dorcel and a bit of an artsy line by Andrew Blake.
The movies contain softer sex, romance with a bit of a storyline.

Instructional videos are also a good warm up. Anything from erotic massage, positions and oral sex can not only start your engines but they can give you some outstanding ideas. The main idea is to relax and just get a little stimulation. If it leads to sex, great! If not that’s okay too. It’s important to keep any undue pressure out of it.

Cockrings

Nearly a year ago I wrote a full article on cockrings. Not much has changed since then. Screaming O is still my #1 “start here” line. You can choose everything from a $2 basic ring to one with a full size bullets.

Some people use the cockrings to get through times where there are erection issues. Many people continue using them because they can help a woman have a hands free orgasm while also giving the man some endurance. If you find that cockrings get both of you panting then check out Jopen’s new Ego line. The vibration is intense and they are rechargeable with a warranty. I like the fact that it is a deeper vibration that seems to excite nerves all around the genital area on both partners.

We are all complex creatures, with oodles of moving parts and intricacies. It’s often hard to figure out what’s going to work and what won’t. There are many things you can try and next week I am going to cover a few more along this line by discussing something I get asked about a lot: pills and pumps.

Until then, as always, I am wishing you amazing sex and fantastic intimacy.

Tessa Ayden

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I am going to be very blunt here – men have a hard time telling a partner they are having problems in the bedroom.

When we do realize there is a problem well, we automatically assume it must be us. It must be that we did something or didn’t do something or smell funny or taste funny or aren’t sexy enough or, or, or….

I am here to tell you that MOST of the time it has nothing to do with us at all.
MOST of the time it has to do with one simple thing – stress.

I know I have talked about this before but with men it’s a little different. Men don’t want to say “Hey for some reason my sex drive has taken a nose dive” or “I’m too tired tonight” or a myriad of other things that can make them feel less than the studly stud they are supposed to be.

And women don’t make discussing that any easier. We often turn it around on ourselves, regardless of the real issue.

Quite a nasty catch-22 for the fellas isn’t it?

So here is where I am going to try to help the guys out: Ladies just because a man doesn’t want to have sex with you doesn’t mean it’s YOU! And before you get your panties all in a bunch that it is; let’s take a look at what else may be going on.

Here are some simple things you can look at before you jump to the conclusion he isn’t interested in you anymore:

This is the number one question: What is going on at work? Is he working more? Is he in the middle of a project? Trying to get promoted or maybe recently has been promoted. Is he having issues with another employee? His boss? Been given more responsibility? Any change at work, even good change, can cause stress.

Here’s another thing to ask yourself: is he withdrawn, distracted, any change in his habits like eating or sleeping? Again stress affects men differently than women. When women get stressed they typically find comfort in mates, lovers, friends and family. Men – not so much.

Men very often hide because they realize that they can’t always be Superman, sometimes they just have to settle for Clark Kent. In the same vein, if that stress is affecting their ability to be a superhero in bed chances are they will hide more! I have even seen men get defensive about nearly everything rather than reveal that their sex drive or performance is being affected by what may be going on outside the bedroom.

Ladies this is where you can really help! We are so good at giving comfort and creating a safe space for guys to talk. However, this only works well if (here’s the big catch) we can take ourselves out of the equation. Yes that means: even if you are convinced that somehow any sexual problems is your fault you need to open up the safety for him to talk to you! This needs to be done in a way where he isn’t going to find himself navigating the “Oh yeah! Well you do…” shark infested waters.

Even if I am way off base and somehow it does come out that you are part of the problem here’s my question: Wouldn’t you rather know?
And if I am right, and it’s not you, I will ask the same question: Wouldn’t you rather know? Wouldn’t you rather be able to help him work through something that is so personal, so tied to masculinity that it can be frightening for him?

You may balk at the idea of being the one to swallow whatever is going on and try to be open because in some cases a man under stress can be much like living with a PMSing grizzly bear. Men can be just as stubborn as women and my advice is don some furry ears and get a salmon!
However, I want you to keep something in mind – in some cases sexual difficulties are not stress related, they are caused by underlying medical conditions and when that is the case then ladies, you can be his biggest ally.

Having sexual difficulties can feel very vulnerable to a man and not being able to talk about it pretty much leaves him out there alone in dealing with it. That’s not okay.

It’s not what we should want for our partners. We should want them to know it’s okay to talk about whatever is going on. That it’s safe to feel stressed out, or not in the mood or need a cuddle or anything else that helps a man deal with life. These things are not easy for them but being open about any or all of it can lead to better communication and even better intimacy.
Even better sex:-)

Wishing you all of these wonderful things – open honest communication, better intimacy and better and better sex.

Tessa Ayden