Last week we talked about stress being the main reason for a man to have problems in the bedroom. (If you haven’t read that post please do it)

In most cases the problem is simply this: loss of erection or the inability to keep one. And for most men under 40, it’s not uncommon to have short periods when that is the case. Just like women, a man’s body can go through hormonal changes and whether you like it or not that can affect your John Thomas. Stress, a recent illness, weight gain and a myriad of other reasons have an influence on this.

For men over 40, well that’s when medical issues start to surface. That doesn’t mean it’s always stress causing erection problems for guys under the big 4-O nor does it mean that it’s always medical in nature for guys over that. That’s just statistics.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: if it happens frequently (and stress can easily be ruled out) then yes a trip to the doctor is in order! This is where I tell the guys to suck it up and go to the doctor. It’s far better to rule out a medical cause than to fight kicking and screaming about going in the hopes it will just go away. Just GO!

So what if it can be attributed to stress? The answer is simple: de-stress!
Hmmmm no actually the answer isn’t simple is it? All kinds of things we can’t walk away from can cause stress – work, financial issues, family problems and on and on. To make matters worse if your partner is stressed, it stresses you. It makes you both tired and that definitely rears its ugly head in the bedroom.

Vicious cycle isn’t it? Tired – stressed- more tired – more stressed…
I know everyone hates to be told this, but start here: Take a deep breath and RELAX.
I’m serious. A long slow breath in and then out. Do about a count of eight in and then a count of eight out. Sounds alot like the beginning of meditation doesn’t it? Well that’s because it is.

Meditation (or just simply slow controlled deep breathing) is great to combat stress, so is limiting coffee and alcohol. The next two big things to add in are exercise and orgasm.

It really doesn’t seem fair that one major way to deal with stress is orgasm and that be the area stress is affecting.

So let’s break it down to things that can “give you a hand” so to speak.

Male maturbators

If a man has had issues getting or keeping an erection then I can almost guarantee (even if it happened just once) he’s got a little performance anxiety going on now. This is HUGE for men! The compounded stress of that can be worse than the original stressor. Ladies here’s my advice: encourage him to masturbate.

By encourage I mean make it okay. Take away the anxiety of worrying about whether he can get hard or stay hard AND having to please you. I know this is difficult for some women. There is still this odd idea that men are only allotted so many erections in a lifetime and we must have all of them. That if they get hard watching porn or flipping through a magazine then it’s some form of cheating. I have one response to that; if you think that’s true then I invite you to put down your 50 Shades of Grey, or other romance novel, because it’s basically the same thing.

So yes encourage him! And I mean really encourage him, with no pressure. Buy him a male masturbator, buy him porn, buy him a magazine and lube. Then smile and say “Have fun baby” and go shopping or for coffee, or whatever. Just give him privacy.

One of the best stories I heard in this vein was a woman who gave her boyfriend a box filled with all kinds of self pleasuring things. This was an enormous step for a very religious woman. She gave it to him and attached a card that read “I don’t know what is going on but if I can’t love on you then I want you to love on you.” That simple act of love and understanding opened up a very emotional conversation for him.

Two weeks later she emailed me and asked if I could recommend some soft porn and a good cockring.

I will give you the same recommendations.

Soft Porn

A few companies I like are Sweet Sinner, Mark Dorcel and a bit of an artsy line by Andrew Blake.
The movies contain softer sex, romance with a bit of a storyline.

Instructional videos are also a good warm up. Anything from erotic massage, positions and oral sex can not only start your engines but they can give you some outstanding ideas. The main idea is to relax and just get a little stimulation. If it leads to sex, great! If not that’s okay too. It’s important to keep any undue pressure out of it.


Nearly a year ago I wrote a full article on cockrings. Not much has changed since then. Screaming O is still my #1 “start here” line. You can choose everything from a $2 basic ring to one with a full size bullets.

Some people use the cockrings to get through times where there are erection issues. Many people continue using them because they can help a woman have a hands free orgasm while also giving the man some endurance. If you find that cockrings get both of you panting then check out Jopen’s new Ego line. The vibration is intense and they are rechargeable with a warranty. I like the fact that it is a deeper vibration that seems to excite nerves all around the genital area on both partners.

We are all complex creatures, with oodles of moving parts and intricacies. It’s often hard to figure out what’s going to work and what won’t. There are many things you can try and next week I am going to cover a few more along this line by discussing something I get asked about a lot: pills and pumps.

Until then, as always, I am wishing you amazing sex and fantastic intimacy.

Tessa Ayden