The Unexpected Finger Going South – Better Known as “So You Want to Try Anal Play?”
In the next few weeks we’re going to talk about anal play and anal sex. I’ll do my best to cover everything from prep, both physical and mental, to details on how to go from play with fingers and toys to anal sex. This blog is on preparation. The next week will be on anal sex for women and then the following week anal sex for men.
Before you jump into anything anal ask yourself…
Are You Ready to Take the Plunge?
It can be a little unnerving the first time someone brings up anal play or anal sex. Or worse just does something anally and doesn’t even bother asking. People have varying views on it with everything from “Oh hell yes, where the lube?” to “There is no way you’re going near my butt!” Somewhere in between is the average. With nearly all people there is some hesitation at first.
Some of the hesitation comes from societal opinions that anal play/sex is bad, or wrong or immoral. I won’t argue about the latter one but as for bad or wrong…well if you have a desire to try it; it’s only bad if you do it wrong. You may do it right and not like it but that’s different from doing it wrong!
Here are the most important things I can share with you about anything anal – GO SLOW AND TALK.
Now I know we all like things hot and heavy. A good full on panting and gasping for water can be very exciting! However, most people are not porn stars and the “wham bam” quickie action is not how you want to approach anal.
Think about this: If someone doesn’t enjoy it because it was rushed and/or painful, what do you think the chances are they will want to do it again? Not very high.
If you take your time, both do the right preparation , feel comfortable and desirable then work together to drive those delightfully sensitive nerves in the anus absolutely crazy… the chances of enjoying and wanting anal play/sex increase dramatically.
Think Boy Scout – Be Prepared.
Anal play/sex is in many ways more intimate than vaginal sex. It requires a measure of trust and openness because of the feelings of vulnerability. Think about it…most people are pretty damn vulnerable when their ass is in the air and someone’s fingers are in it. It is common that someone is resistant to any kind of anal play due to past experiences. Those with past trauma or painful/embarrassing experiences (both men and women) need to be open to talk about what concerns them. Get okay with talking about anal sex – then talk about it! If you cannot be open to a conversation about anal then you are not ready to do anything anal.
This is vitally important – knowing and accepting that things can go wrong, smell or even have some fecal matter show up on fingers, toys or a penis is a must for the comfort of both people. Just a word to the wise; if this is not something you can deal with possibly happening and handling it in a mature way then perhaps sticking to other types of play is smarter.
If anything happens talk to the person. If they took the leap to trust you touching them then saying “Hey I am so loving how you feel but you may want to go clean a little again.” is far kinder than not telling them. Just do it gently and kindly. I have never known one person, who after they shook off a little embarrassment, wasn’t happy someone told them.
And for heaven’s sake have a sense of humor! It’s sex! Good sex is often messy, sticky, sweaty and oh so wonderful. With anal sex the amount of lube needed is reason enough for a good giggle and there is nothing wrong with laughing with someone you are sharing something intimate with.
Scrub a Dub Dub
The number one concern is usually cleanliness. We’ve all heard horror stories about anal play/sex gone awry. It does not happen very often if you do good prep.
There are a couple of things a person can do to be prepared physically that are quick, simple and effective. Before any of the fun exciting stuff you can do an enema (about a pint of warm distilled water). I would recommend this 3 or 4 hours beforehand. Don’t use the kind of enemas you buy at the drugstore; those have chemicals and if you aren’t having any bowel problems why use any chemicals you don’t need? The bulbs at in Déjà vu Love Boutique are excellent. You can use them more than once if you keep them clean. A light lunch will also give you a little more security.
A soapy finger in the anus works well also. Use very mild soap such as baby soap. You don’t need a lot and can follow it up with water on your fingers. Keep doing this until your fingers are clean. The only other thing you need to do is a quick final cleanup of the outside of the anus before you get busy.
There is also some prep work for the giver. Clean, trimmed nails and hands are vital. Even a tiny hangnail can tear the thin lining of the rectum or scratch the anus.
Slippery When Wet
Having lubrication on hand is a must. I suggest having the receiver choose one they like. A test run, by taking a little lube before a shower and running it around the anus and a little inside the rectum is a good idea. Any itching or burning means you need to pick a different lube. You DO NOT want to find out you have an issue with the lube in the middle of anal play/sex!
There is literally hundreds of lube that are good for anything anal. Silicone is an excellent choice as it is resistant to be absorbed. Water based will absorb quicker than silicone and you will need to add more every so often. My favorite silicone is Pjur Back Door. It is ultra-slippery, you don’t need a lot and it lasts a long time. Another good one is Swiss Navy Silicone. If you’re going to transition from fingers to toys, (that are not silicone lube compatible like glass, metal or high grade silicone) then to anal sex; you want something like System Jo’s water based Anal Lube. It’s safe to use on everything and everywhere and contains a thickening agent that slows its absorption. Another good water based is Wet Gellee. Its name is dead on as its jelly-like consistency sticks to things like fingers and toys so it helps keep where you want it. For anal I would steer away from flavored lubes. One, they are inherently tacky and two, no one needs glycerin in their rectum.
Will it hurt?
If done correctly – absolutely not! This is the reason to stay away from anal desensitizers. Many people think that if it’s numb it will be more enjoyable. How can you enjoy something you can’t feel? Not only that but blocking your body from telling you something is wrong is silly unless you’re at the dentist. If anal play/sex is painful you need to stop and figure out what hurts and why and fix it so it is enjoyable.
Plan enough time so that you are not rushed. Perhaps pick out toys you would like to use together. It is not uncommon for relaxing the anus for sex to take an hour or maybe two. Granted it may not take that long but what’s your rush? Any kind of anal should be treated like an exploration. Get your gear, plan your route, and go adventuring together.
Done right it can feel amazing. Take your time and enjoy it.
Wishing you trust, openness and more fun exploring anal sex/play than Stephen Bishop’s adventures.
Go look him up. You’ll get the joke J